In January 2004 I discovered I was pregnant. I experienced so many emotions, happiness, shock, surprise, fear of pain, fear of the unknown, fear of being a rubbish mum and then again back to happiness - finally I was going to be a mum.
I started spotting at 6 weeks and it was the most scared I had ever felt, when I went to the Hospital for an early scan and they told me all was okay the relief I felt was unexplainable.
At 12 weeks though and on my husbands birthday, I woke in a bed full of blood. It was exactly a week after my dating scan and I was devastated. I spent the day in A&E to be told that I could not have a scan that day, I would have to come back tomorrow. It was the longest night of my night so far, I just sat and cried. When we finally had the scan the next afternoon and saw the baby sleeping and looking so laid back and relaxed I again cried with relief.
The next few months went quietly, and at 35 weeks, just as we had let our guard down I started bleeding again. I was admitted to hospital and told that as neither the baby or myself seemed in distress they would monitor me, but not do a c-section at this time. 16hrs later I haemorrhaged. When they tried to find the heartbeat there was nothing, when they performed a scan the Dr told me my baby was dead and then left the room. My husband walked in to my screams.
I wanted them to do a c section straight away, but was told they thought it was better if I went through the labour and had chance to say goodbye. My husband and I spent the whole night very logically discussing what we were going to put him in and about the funeral, all that time I felt I was having an out of body experience and all that time still hoping and praying that they were wrong.
2 days later I gave birth to a beautiful 5lb 5oz baby boy, he was perfect and everything I had dreamed about, except in my dreams my baby breathed.
The days and weeks that followed were blurs and then having the results of the PM and being told that I had had a Placenta Abruption with the chances of it happening again being 10% bringing some sort of closure to the daze.
8 months later I had a miscarriage and it really brought home to me that I had not yet grieved properly for Xander. We are still trying, but 2yrs on have not yet achieved our ultimate dream.
Since then my husband and I have become befrienders with Sands and have now started Cardiff Sands, hoping to help others like ourselves and to make Xander's short time with us mean something to others.